Dr. Ssgt. Berkley

SSgt. Berkley- "It's cross-cancer-pollination, it's kinda like airborne AIDS"

(He was explaining to us how all the new airmen spread horrible diseases and germs like the plague rats.)

Papa... Mike... Sierra... (P.M.S)

Roomie 1: "If I don't start my fucking period tomorrow, I am gonna fucking kill somebody!"

Roomie 2: "I think it already sounds like you're going to start..."

hear no evil

Gleason- "You should let him put it in your ear, I hear that's a good orifice."

Sam- "I hear it doesn't stretch."

checkmate

Sam- "He is like that awesome kind of nerdy hot... like he would kick your ass at chess and then have his wicked way with you right on the table..."

(I think I went some where in my brain... and I want to go back...)

can't have it both ways

Sam- "why you gotta be so nice? You douche bag!!"

Freedom of Speech

Pete--"I'm an American bigot....I can say whatever I want."

Con-ventional

Random homeless guy--"What the fuck is with all these freaks?"

Lorrie--"It's not really a con until you freak out a homeless person."

The Big Spoon...revisited

(At DragonCon...Phil was just waking up)

Mike--"He looks like he wants to be spooned."

Phil--"No...I'm the big spoon."

Everyone else in the room--"......"

Phil---"I'm the big spoon....for a very small person."

(Our friend Whetsone's bf wont take his shirt off ever, so we were trying to use the scientific method to figure out why.)

Gleason- "Maybe he doesn't have a belly button."

Sam- "Everyone has a belly button! If he doesn't he has to be an alien. That is the only logical conclusion!"

Tyree- "Thats the only conclusion?"

Sam- "Well, yeah. I guess he could be a clone too, or an alien clone. Either way you shouldn't date an alien whetsone."

The trouble with online shopping...

(While looking at sex toys on line with Gleason)

Gleason- "OOOOOHHH. That one looks interesting."

Sam- "Dude, that's totally for your butt-hole."

Gleason- "Ohh no!"

Vag-Side Bomb

Meg Griffen (yes, thats actually her name) "Don't you have an IED?"

Gleason- "What? Don't you mean an IUD?"

(For those men who may not know and IUD is an intrauterine device, a birth control device implanted in your uterus. Evidently Griffin thinks uterus starts with an E.)

Umpa Loompa Lovin

(This madness ensued after Gleason told me she likes me better pale while we were drinking margaritas.)

Drunk Sam- "Yeah, I look like an Umpa Loompa when I am tan and that is not attractive! No one fucks Umpa Loompas!!! How do they procreate anyway? They must clone them."

Random Drunk Guy at the bar- "Hmmm, Go get a tan and I'll show you who fucks Umpa Loompas."

Bouncing betty

(This took place in class after our instructor told us about a type of land mine that can be set off by strong winds.)

Sam- "Sounds like some guys I know, can go off with just a stiff breeze!"

Things I learned in Tech School...

(My class was having a contest to see who could tie a cherry stem in a knot with their tongues, a skill that somehow relates to sexual ability. A marine in our class couldn't do it and we gave him a bit of a hard time.)

Roby- "I feel bad for your wife, Bearden!"

Bearden- "What? I am not gonna tie her vagina in a knot!!"

the Couleas Karma Sutra

(This transpired when an ARMY buddy of my brother's was asked by his future wife what his favorite sexual position was.)

Future Mrs. Couleas- "What is your favorite position?"

Couleas- "Blow Job."

black and white television

Sgt. Linda- "If there is a black entertainment channel, why can't there be a white entertainment channel?"

Sgt. Dixon- "Because the abbreviation would be WET and everyone would think it was a porn channel."

Horatio Hornblower

Sam- "Horatio Cane can suck it!"

Gault- "Maybe he should change his name to fellatio..."

(After I was describing my supreme hatred of CSI: Miami.)

hole in one... or not

Sam- "Where does it go? Right there?"

Hayward- "Wherever there's holes..."

(For the life of me I can't remember what we were talking about but we were in class and I wrote it in my notebook)

Domo Arigato

(A friend's girlfriend tries to do something "sexy" for him by giving him a lap dance....but she does it doing the robot.)

Joel--"No...not like that!"

Amy--"But I thought you liked robots?"

to be or not to be.... a back door gal

Sgt. Linda "There are two types of women in the world, one who will suck your dick and one who will let you put it in her butt. But, you won't find one who will do both unless you pay for it."

(words of wisdom from a female marine)

Mac- "And there are some women who do neither."

Sgt. Bet "Yeah, they are called wives."

(I love my class)

this guy is our teacher?

TSgt Dirtbag- "I am smarter than you look."

A rose by any other name...

Phil- "my japanese dictionary just translated vagina as; pussy,cunt ,hole ,box ,twat ,beaver ,slit ,crack...love the japs"

The danger zone

Mays- "I guess the rear is the danger zone."

Sam- "The rear is always the danger zone."

(This was said while we were marching back from school one day)

suck my.... literary device

Sam- "It's hyperbole, suck it! Suck my literary device!!"

"Batteries you will buy me"

Dupont- "I bet Sam has a purple lightsaber!"

Sam- "Yeah, I do, and it runs on the force!"

(They were making fun of me for being a star wars nerd. The lightsaber they speak of is in fact a battery operated boyfriend.)

Dick-tionary

Hayward- "Who cares about having a big vocabulary? All you need is a big dick......tionary."

Sam- "That's true, and both are still a mouthful!"

And the Winner Is....Wait, What?

Christopher--"I love fireworks. They are the second best Chinese invention."

Tammy--"What's the first?"

Christopher--"Bound feet."

Power in Numbers...I Think

Josh--"There were like 45 pissed off nerds....that's like....10 normal people."

Eric--"But with more fists."

Emo Super Powers--Activate!!

(A friend shows me a picture she tried to take of herself...)

Jaci--"It's hard to take a picture of yourself from that angle....I don't know how the Emos do it."

The scissor sisters

Crazy Peterson- "Yeah, his penis was so small we practically scissored all night."

It's a tough job...but someone has to do it

(At an outdoor concert)

Keith--"Hmm...Maybe I should slow down..."

Tammy--"What? You haven't been drinking that much."

Keith-- "I know, but drinking in the sun is much harder than it looks."

How much for the cow?

(Anna and Mike just went to a fair where they purchased a bonsai tree and the man was trying to sell them a pot for it for $30)

Anna--I told him I would get one when I go to the Philippines.

Tammy--Are they much cheaper there?

Anna--Not exactly, but in the Philippines you could buy like a cow for thirty bucks. A pot can't be more than a cow.

Adventures in Bikini Bottom

Sam- "Gleason, your vagina is not absorbent. You are not Spongebob Vag-pants!"

(Don't even ask. No amount of explanation will help this one)

In wine there's... huh?

Me- "In vino veritas... most of the time... sometimes there is just confusion."

(wise words from drunken Sam one night after a few glasses)

re-strip-rocate

Gleason- "I need a stripper for my B-day. Maybe Mac will do it... But, his B-day is the day after mine... that might be weird."

Me- "Tell him you'll re-strip-rocate!"

the curtains vs. carpet conundrum

Mays- "I have virgin hair."

Me- "Yeah, above the waist."

(Mays was explaining that she had never dyed her hair before.)

schlongius maximus

Sam- "Did you know that gladius the Roman word for sword was also their slang for penis?"

Hurt- "No, I did not."

Lane- "Yeah, it's Latin for pork sword."

Slip n' decide

Dick: “God it’s just like a slip n’ decide.”

Casey: “Don’t you mean slip ‘n slide?”

Dick: “No, slip ‘n decide, it’s when you fall down drunk on an icy side walk and you have to decide whether to get up or not.”

and he put a flag in it...

Dick: “Steve Simmon’s heart is made out of pure ricotta cheese and hope.”

Dick: “Please I was the first to mount Steve’s ass, and like the man who first climbed Everest I took a Sherpa and even invented my own ice cream, but I wouldn’t try it if I were you.”

Revalations

Random Christian in cowboy hat: “You need to find Jesus boy.”

Dick: “Sir, I am a Jew. We found him two thousand years ago, and if he had stayed were we put him no one would have to go out and find him.”

don't we all

Dick: “Sigh, I love the soft pink spot.”

Steve: “We all do Dick.”

Words of wisdom from boot camp

Sgt Rabb- "You have to take pride in everything that's yours! So what if the baby's ugly? Its yours!"

(Words of wisdom from my instructor after a particularly bad drill practice in boot camp)

Don't ask don't tell

Sgt M- "It smells like Bengay down here."

Sgt D- "You have to call it Icy Hot. That is an offensive term to those people we can not ask and who can not tell us..."

(The funniest part of this was that it was said with an absolutely straight face in front of a bunch of trainees trying not to laugh.)

SSgt Squarepants is the duress word

Master Sergeant Brimstone- "Trainee! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

(Ok this master sergeant was this huge black man with the voice of a southern baptist preacher, he liked to go up to trainee's in the dining hall who were scared out of their minds of him and ask them weird shit like this.)

Sir, Trainee Simian reports as ordered

SGT Marlboro- "I've seen monkey shit fights at the zoo more organised than this!"

(An instructor said this to my brother flight when they were engaging in some serious ass-clownery one afternoon in drill practice)

(Some names in this story have been changed)

"Good morning baby... what are you wearing?"

Sam- "Mays, I hate you. I can't even have phone sex. Have you ever tried to have phone sex on a 14 hour time difference?!!"

(Part of Sam's jealous tirade at a friend of hers who was going to visit her bf after they got out of boot camp.)

Freedom isn't free

Sam- "Tammy, I am in the Air Force now, Everything I do is for your freedom!"

(Sam said this to Tammy after telling her that her reading a romance novel about a guy with two penises was for the sake of science and her freedom.)

Gotta Have Faith

"If there was a god who would give me the sacred task of kicking him in the balls, I'd find that church and believe in his ass."--Derek

Good Bitches Are So Hard To Find These Days

(while waiting for Vira to show up)

"Well, I guess we'll have to go over there and find his ass since he's not being a good bitch and answering his phone."--Derek

Superiority Has Its Downfalls

"That's because girls are leet like whoa."--Anna
"Hmm...perhaps pregnancy is god's way of punishing women for being such a superior gender."--Tammy

The Big Spoon

Setting: movie night with very comfortable couches

"Next time I'm going to cuddle with you."--Casey
"OK."--Mike
"Can I be the big spoon?"--Casey

(Note: Mike is about twice Casey's size...)

The Speed of Beer

"Do we want another round here?"--Tammy
"Not for me...I'm pacing myself."--Aunt Linda
(Looks at Mom)
"So am I. One right after the other."--Mom