Tammy: a definition

J- "Tammy: (proper noun) A nonpracticing heterosexual."

Low carb diet

J--"Beer?"

Phil--(shakes head)

Tammy--"Phil is on a self imposed low carb diet."

J--"Then drink it on the floor."

Out of control

Phil--"I have a hole in my boxers."

Tammy--"How do you keep getting holes in your boxers?"

Phil--"My junk is out of control."

unhibitions...

(Setting: Sam and Phil are at a bar and Thriller just came on. Sam is drunk and just happens to be the worst dancer in the history of the universe and all the white people in it!)

Sam- "Lets dance baby!"

Phil- "You are drunk!"

Sam- "Exactly, thats why it is fun! I have no hibitions!"

Beer goggles

Keith- "Every girl is a six pack away from being hot."

Dick- "Fuck, I don't drink till they are hot! I drink till I am gorgeous!"

The artfull dodger III

(Again this happened at the grocery store when a very creepy older guy thought he was a pimp.)

Sam- "I can take you on register 8 sir."

Saggy McBallsack- "Can I take you on register 8 baby?"

Sam- "I'm sorry sir, publix doesn't offer that service. You will have to deal with self service."

The artfull dodger II

A creepy guy is persistently hitting on me, and I can't seem to shake him.
Creepy McWeirdo is prattling on and on talking about himself, trying to get me to give him my number. I have been dropping hints that I am not interested for the whole conversation (we are stuck in a long line together so I can't escape) but he just wont take the hint and I am done with being polite.

Creepy McWeirdo noticing that I am ignoring him- "Hey, are you listening to me? You are ignoring me aren't you? ...hello?"

Truly Exasperated Sam- "I'm sorry, I am deaf in one ear. Have you been talking to me? All I could hear was this annoying noise."

The artfull dodger I

(Sam is at work in the grocery store when a very creepy, lecherous, one-eyed man attempts to harass her.)

Sam- "I can check you out on the express lane, sir."

Cyclops- "Hey baby, can I check you out?"

Sam- "I don't know, can you even see me?"

The pimp hand is strong with this one

(This happened while at work at the grocery store after dealing with a particularly bitchy customer.)

Sam- "It is times like these that make me feel my Native-American heritage."

Coworker- "What are you talking about?"

Sam- "My ancestors are from the slap-a-ho tribe!"

Sex Ed

Steven--"So you see...that's the difference between little boys and little girls...ball bearings and a stick shift."

"This wine has an interesting bouquet..."

Sam--"What do you think of the wine, Phil?"

Phil--"Tastes like my penis in a knot."

Always be prepared...the things they didn't tell you in boy scouts

Phil--"We need to go get ammo."

Tammy--"Why?"

Phil--"For when the zombies come."

Aspirations...

Tammy- "When I grow up... I wanna kill someone."

(Thank you Tony Soprano Elementary school)

Tuna girl

Sam- "That's not called having sex, thats called sitting on a dick."

The power of giving

Jay- "Is it considered prostitution if you have sex in exchange for gifts?"

Phil- "No, then it is just a girlfriend."

Sam- "You don't give me gifts for sex."

Phil- "...My penis."

Sam- "Your penis is a wonderfull gift, but I don't think that counts... No pun intended, but the penis is kinda the point of sex..."

Hello kitty technique

Anna- "There are some new guys at work. I think I can get them to buy some raffle tickets for the fundraiser."

Tammy- "How are you gonna do that? Wont it be hard since you don't know them?"

Anna- "I was thinking of using the 'I'm a pretty girl approach'."

Look what i can do!

Phil- "I can fit an eggplant down my throat!"

Sam- "Why would you do that?"

Phil- "Practice."

Behold the anti-girl!

Tammy while playing video games and drinking beer.

Tammy- "Shut up Phone! Can't you see I am battling the forces of evil!"

this is why we cant have nice things...

Sam to her boyfriend right after he held her down and tickled her, one of his greater joys in life.

Sam- "See Phil! This is why we cant have bondage!"

Jay (watching this hilarity) "What???"

Sam- "Cuz he would just tickle me for 27 hours!"

Phil- "Sigh"