In case of Zombies....

Tammy and Mom are watching zombie movies at 3am

Tammy--"I've seen enough zombie movies that I could probably survive at least a day."

(we contemplate this thought over a few sips of beer)

Mom--"I'd die going on a beer run."

Friday Nights

(Anna describing a drunken outing on OBT...it's a fun street)

Anna--"I had my camera at the ready. I was really trying to get pictures of hookers."

douche canoe

Heather- "god! you and your fucking gaping ass hole!"

Forreign kids say the darndest things

Pan Chan is an English teacher in a Japanese high school. While walking down the freshman hallway one day he hears...

Random Japanese Kid- ''Why are your eye blue?''

Pan Chan- ''Cause I'm a gaijin...''

Random Japanese Kid- ''Why are you a human? Cause your a gaijin right?''

Water-boarding numero DUCE

(During a conversation on how it is possible to get drunk from putting a beer up your ass.)

Bower- "How do you bong a beer in your ass hole?"

Elmore- "Probably like you bong a regular beer..."

Bower- "I don't understand! How does your ass hole drink it???!!!"

Rogers and Pruski give this movie half a brain and a caveman's club

Sam- "What did you think of that movie Pruski?"

Pruski- "It had equal amounts of testosterone and thinky think."

(I have no idea what movie we were talking about but that is about the best description ever.)

Water-boarding is against my Geneva Convention!

Devon- "What's it called when you douche your ass hole?"

Me- (Said through near hysterical laughter) "You mean an enema??!!??"

Devon- "Ohhh. I thought that was called water-boarding..."

Me- "No! Water-boarding is a type of torture when they hold you under water!"

Devon- "I thought it was when they put water up your ass and made you hold it in... That sounds like torture to me!"

(This is an example of why Devon is one of my favorite people. Seriously, you can't make this shit up!)

where have all the good men gone?

Jones -"I just signed up for match.com!"

Sam- "ohhh good luck!"

Jones- "There's so many guys! Its like a full time job sorting through them all!"

don't ask don't tell

Sam- "does it freak anyone else out that while taking a training test on POW survival for the Air Force today, one of the multiple choice options was 'severe night time rectal itching'?"

Sara- "Well it is the Air Force..."

Sam- "There is probably a military medical journal somewhere that says "severe night time rectal itching; a symptom of athlete's foot and dehydration. But, if they are not telling, we are not asking"!

Grilled Cheese Cop Out Miracle Rant

Sam- "What is with those grilled cheese miracles? Doesn't that piss you off? ...You know when you hear about some grilled cheese sandwich that looks like Jesus or the Virgin Mary and everybody freaks out. What the hell kinda cop out miracle is that? A miracle is curing blind children or lepers or some shit! The only time a grilled cheese sandwich is a miracle is when it is in some starving Ugandan child's mouth!"

Tammy- {Sending the WTF look through the phone with her Jedi mind waves}

P.S.- Fuck! Now I want grilled cheese and I have no cheese only bread!

I've got a lovely bunch of...........

(Setting: during a conversation about breasts at the pub one night)

Sam- "Not to toot my own tits but........"

Nature's punchline

Sam- "The ball sack........ nature's punchline."