the lads are weird

Sam- "You guys are retards!"

Phil- "Sam, I respect you-"

Dick- "Just not that much."

Setting: Sam sitting in the living room watching a history channel documentary on cannibalism with her ex-special forces father.

Dad- "If we are ever stranded on a desert island or something and I die first, you can eat me."

Sam- "... thanks dad... thats... sweet... I think..."

(Awkward pause...)

Dad- "So, what part would you start with?"

Sam- "What? I don't know! You are demented!"

(Mom pipes up from the kitchen while baking cookies or something)

Mom- "Lower back or the butt"

Dad- "I hear the back of the arm is a good place to start..."

Sam- "My life is so strange..."

Test Drive???

Setting: Sam is 14 and in the living room with her mom having a sex talk...

Sam's mom- "I don't have a problem with premarital sex... If you buy a new car you gotta look under the hood first and take it for a test drive... you don't just buy it thats stupid."

Sam- "good to know mom, thanks..."

R E S P E C T what does it mean?

Phil- "Dick, you have no self respect."

Dick- "No, I just like cuming."

some light dinner conversation

My family has some very interesting dinner conversation. This Easter we were all sitting around the dinner table and my sister, Audra, mentioned that she couldn't tie a cherry stem in a knot with her mouth so everyone tried it. This is part of the conversation that ensued laden with double entendre.

Sam- "I can do it! Here, give me a cherry."

(they hand me one with a very short stem.)

Sam- "Sometimes you just have nothing to work with."

(Audra tries for 10 minutes and gives up.)

Audra- "I don't think I can do it! I can't pull it!"

Sam- "Don't worry, it will come in time!"

have a heart

Tammy—“Hold on. I’m getting Phil a soda.”

Christopher—“And you say you’re heartless.”

Tammy—“No, not heartless…soulless. If I were heartless I’d just kill him in his sleep and call it a day.”

Christopher—“Oh, I get it. If you were heartless you’d kill him in his sleep. Soulless and you’ll still bring him a soda. That makes perfect sense.”

Mom’s fashion advice

Tammy—“Should I change?” (Wearing a dress)

Mom—“No, but it’s windy, so don’t bend over.”

What are friends for?

Tristan—“If I don’t finish this before the end of the day, I’m going to cry.”

Tammy—“And I’ll be there to sell tickets.”

embarrassment

Tammy—“No, that’s ok. I don’t want to embarrass you.”

Phil—“Embarrass me?”

Tammy—“By you I mean…me.”

They watch Delliverence in Japan?

One night my roommate James and I were driving around in the woods with another Japanese exchange student and we got lost looking for a haunted tree (even longer story). It was very dark and scary and we somehow ended up on private property and feared rednecks with shot guns.

James- "Sam, get us out of here! Look a redneck lives there, you know he has guns!"

Sam- "Chill out, nothings gonna happen. It's not like we are gonna get arrested."

Fumi (pipes up from the back seat)- "Don't drop the soap!!!"

Again with the wtf?

Free association cursing in a second language

A Japanese foreign exchange student friend of mine who had only been in the country for a few months became exasperated with my roommate and this is the strange amalgam of curse words he came up with.

Tohi- "James, you.... cock monger! Shut your titty-fucking mouth!"

Where he came up with that vocab after 2 months in the US I have no idea...

And the oscar goes to... "Mantastic"?

Sam- "I am gonna make a movie and it is gonna have cowboys, and guys in armor, and roman legionaries, and firemen, and guys in kilts, and....... and a pikey!"

Tammy- "That doesn't even make sense"

Sam- "It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be awesome!"

Nobel Prize in blondness

Audra- "You guys are gonna be sorry one day when Jenny and I grow up and win the Noble Prize!"

Sam- ".... You mean the Nobel Prize??"

Audra- "Whatever"

Service with a grimace

Sam to coworker at the grocery store- "You know, customer service jobs would be so much better if it wasn't for the customers..."

Wisdomosity

sam- "Word to the wise... never try to wax yourself... baaaaaaad idea!"

The Blair Tammy Project

Tammy- "If there was a movie made about my life it would be so boring people would leave the theatre demanding their money back!"

Sam -"hey, at least it would be better than the Blair Witch Project"

like the back of my.... huh?

Audra- "I know that like the back of my head!"

Sam- "That doesn't even make sense, don't you mean the back of your hand?"

Audra- "...."

Sam- "...so you can see the back of your head?"

Audra- "Ohh, I get it."

Ownership is nine tenths of the law

G- "dick and the boys are the last people I really need to take women advice from."

Sam- "well i happen to own a vagina and i am marginally sane and not a whore... and though they might not be the best people to take women advice from, they do know you and i don't think they are just busting your balls for the hell of it..."

a little later in the conversation...

"...and she just came off whoring bender so maybe she is trying to compensate by playing it demure..."

I am so sweet...

When in rome...

The romans said in vino veritas, in wine there is truth and one night I proved this cliche to be rather apt...

Tammy- "Well, I don't know about that Sam..."

Sam- "Nah, you know what they say... When in Rome... bone a Roman!"

Tammy- "Sam, I don't think thats what they say..."