where have all the good men gone?

Jones -"I just signed up for match.com!"

Sam- "ohhh good luck!"

Jones- "There's so many guys! Its like a full time job sorting through them all!"

don't ask don't tell

Sam- "does it freak anyone else out that while taking a training test on POW survival for the Air Force today, one of the multiple choice options was 'severe night time rectal itching'?"

Sara- "Well it is the Air Force..."

Sam- "There is probably a military medical journal somewhere that says "severe night time rectal itching; a symptom of athlete's foot and dehydration. But, if they are not telling, we are not asking"!

Grilled Cheese Cop Out Miracle Rant

Sam- "What is with those grilled cheese miracles? Doesn't that piss you off? ...You know when you hear about some grilled cheese sandwich that looks like Jesus or the Virgin Mary and everybody freaks out. What the hell kinda cop out miracle is that? A miracle is curing blind children or lepers or some shit! The only time a grilled cheese sandwich is a miracle is when it is in some starving Ugandan child's mouth!"

Tammy- {Sending the WTF look through the phone with her Jedi mind waves}

P.S.- Fuck! Now I want grilled cheese and I have no cheese only bread!

I've got a lovely bunch of...........

(Setting: during a conversation about breasts at the pub one night)

Sam- "Not to toot my own tits but........"

Nature's punchline

Sam- "The ball sack........ nature's punchline."