The scissor sisters

Crazy Peterson- "Yeah, his penis was so small we practically scissored all night."

It's a tough job...but someone has to do it

(At an outdoor concert)

Keith--"Hmm...Maybe I should slow down..."

Tammy--"What? You haven't been drinking that much."

Keith-- "I know, but drinking in the sun is much harder than it looks."

How much for the cow?

(Anna and Mike just went to a fair where they purchased a bonsai tree and the man was trying to sell them a pot for it for $30)

Anna--I told him I would get one when I go to the Philippines.

Tammy--Are they much cheaper there?

Anna--Not exactly, but in the Philippines you could buy like a cow for thirty bucks. A pot can't be more than a cow.

Adventures in Bikini Bottom

Sam- "Gleason, your vagina is not absorbent. You are not Spongebob Vag-pants!"

(Don't even ask. No amount of explanation will help this one)

In wine there's... huh?

Me- "In vino veritas... most of the time... sometimes there is just confusion."

(wise words from drunken Sam one night after a few glasses)

re-strip-rocate

Gleason- "I need a stripper for my B-day. Maybe Mac will do it... But, his B-day is the day after mine... that might be weird."

Me- "Tell him you'll re-strip-rocate!"

the curtains vs. carpet conundrum

Mays- "I have virgin hair."

Me- "Yeah, above the waist."

(Mays was explaining that she had never dyed her hair before.)