the curtains vs. carpet conundrum

Mays- "I have virgin hair."

Me- "Yeah, above the waist."

(Mays was explaining that she had never dyed her hair before.)

schlongius maximus

Sam- "Did you know that gladius the Roman word for sword was also their slang for penis?"

Hurt- "No, I did not."

Lane- "Yeah, it's Latin for pork sword."

Slip n' decide

Dick: “God it’s just like a slip n’ decide.”

Casey: “Don’t you mean slip ‘n slide?”

Dick: “No, slip ‘n decide, it’s when you fall down drunk on an icy side walk and you have to decide whether to get up or not.”

and he put a flag in it...

Dick: “Steve Simmon’s heart is made out of pure ricotta cheese and hope.”

Dick: “Please I was the first to mount Steve’s ass, and like the man who first climbed Everest I took a Sherpa and even invented my own ice cream, but I wouldn’t try it if I were you.”

Revalations

Random Christian in cowboy hat: “You need to find Jesus boy.”

Dick: “Sir, I am a Jew. We found him two thousand years ago, and if he had stayed were we put him no one would have to go out and find him.”

don't we all

Dick: “Sigh, I love the soft pink spot.”

Steve: “We all do Dick.”

Words of wisdom from boot camp

Sgt Rabb- "You have to take pride in everything that's yours! So what if the baby's ugly? Its yours!"

(Words of wisdom from my instructor after a particularly bad drill practice in boot camp)