schlongius maximus

Sam- "Did you know that gladius the Roman word for sword was also their slang for penis?"

Hurt- "No, I did not."

Lane- "Yeah, it's Latin for pork sword."

Slip n' decide

Dick: “God it’s just like a slip n’ decide.”

Casey: “Don’t you mean slip ‘n slide?”

Dick: “No, slip ‘n decide, it’s when you fall down drunk on an icy side walk and you have to decide whether to get up or not.”

and he put a flag in it...

Dick: “Steve Simmon’s heart is made out of pure ricotta cheese and hope.”

Dick: “Please I was the first to mount Steve’s ass, and like the man who first climbed Everest I took a Sherpa and even invented my own ice cream, but I wouldn’t try it if I were you.”

Revalations

Random Christian in cowboy hat: “You need to find Jesus boy.”

Dick: “Sir, I am a Jew. We found him two thousand years ago, and if he had stayed were we put him no one would have to go out and find him.”

don't we all

Dick: “Sigh, I love the soft pink spot.”

Steve: “We all do Dick.”

Words of wisdom from boot camp

Sgt Rabb- "You have to take pride in everything that's yours! So what if the baby's ugly? Its yours!"

(Words of wisdom from my instructor after a particularly bad drill practice in boot camp)

Don't ask don't tell

Sgt M- "It smells like Bengay down here."

Sgt D- "You have to call it Icy Hot. That is an offensive term to those people we can not ask and who can not tell us..."

(The funniest part of this was that it was said with an absolutely straight face in front of a bunch of trainees trying not to laugh.)