motherly advice

Sam- "Hey mom is this slutty or cute?"

Mom- ".... slutty cute."

Sam- "ok, I can deal with that."

Lets go for a ride...

Dicky- "Sam, will you be my bicycle?"

Sam- "Ewww, no!"

Dicky- "How bout my unicycle... just the once?"

Always read the labels

Sam- "KY isn't chemicals."

Dicky- "Have you read the back of that shit?"

Sam- "Its like Twinkies, I don't want to know whats in them, I just want them in me... wait, that didn't sound right."

Minute man

Dingo - "I don't understand. I used to be Hercules! All of the sudden I am Mercury... nobody's quicker!"

age is just a number

Sam- "Whats the male equivalent of a cougar?"

Dave- "Intelligent!"

Ménage à...huh?

Sam- "If there is an audience, does it count as an exclusive relationship?"

say what??

Tanya- "That means she has a cavernous vagina!"

Sam- "Did you say I had a catfish vagina?!?!"

You know what they say about girls with big feet...

Sam- "I have frickin sasquach feet! If I was a dude, I would be hung like a mother fucker!"

Pagans are dirty

Brian "Zeus had sex with a llama and shat out a son... That's like madlibs for religion!"

So much for a wing man

Dick- "Attention gentlemen! She will fuck the first guy to buy me a drink!"

Springtime for Hitler

Sam- "Maybe I will get stationed somewhere cool like Germany, and you can come visit me, and we can eat schnitzel, and go to the beer fest, and pretend we are in the sound of music, and dress up like nuns, and fight Nazis... the whole bit!"

Tammy- "???????" (Followed by the WTF look)

Moral Compass

J- "Cuz, my moral compass has been sitting next to my hard drive recently, so it's a little... you know... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!"

The ohhh so wrong trousers

Derek- "Vira is gonna show up naked next week."

Creepy Bar Tender Guy- "Ohhh, no! At least wear a speedo or something!"

Tammy- "Well his penis is so small it wont matter anyway..."

Sam- "Yeah, then he'll just have a camel toe and that's just sad..."

(I like that the creepy person in this story is the bartender and not the nudist with purportedly tiny junk. The fact that the bar tender is creepy has nothing to do with this blog entry, but amuses me none the less.)

Bewilderbeast

(After Kale makes some insane, hilarious, lewd, bollocks comment.)

Sam- "Kale, you bewilder me..."

Kale- "Yeah Baby, I'm the bewilderbeast!"

Libations

Sam- "How many beers have you had to drink so far?"

Dick- "I had a giant Natty Ice 40 before I came here."

Tammy- "That doesn't count as beer!"

Dick- "No, But it counts as drunk!"

the dude formerly known as straight

Mike--"A little gay is looking at Prince and sayin, "Wow, he's pretty." A lot gay is looking at Prince and saying, "Wow, I'd do him."

Suck it Ebert & Roper

Sam- "I just watched the greatest B horror movie ever! Delta Delta Die, seriously, I laughed, I cried, I peed."

"I'll have one roofie colada, and give the lady a beer."

Tyler- "I've tried date rape drugs... It didn't work for me... There was never any sex, I always fell asleep."

Church of the Divine Pole

Dicky- "Strip clubs are like church, they give you false hope."

you get what you pay for

(setting: Phil is in Japan and we are talking about some of his new friends)

Phil: "She used to work at a cabaret and get payed 50 bucks an hour to talk to guys."

Sam: "Thats one thing that's werid about the Japanese, I think men in America would pay women not to talk..."

No more joysticks

Sam- "I am never dating a gamer again! Because if I wanted to compete with something that has buttons, I would be a mother fucking lesbian!"

How many licks does it take?

Setting: I am Whitesnaking tammy's car, with her in it (for those who don't know what that is click this link and be enlightened http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oKTiwCez6Zs). I am not as flexible as Tawny Kitaen, unfortunatley, so there were no splits involved but I did have my cleavage pressed to the windsheild and I licked it from the wipers to the roof.

(a girlfriend of mine) 'Ronnie'- "Sam, when I see you lick that, it makes me wish I had a dick!"

Thats what she said

Sam- "I am a terrible speller, for some reason I like to add extra l's to words."

Dick- "That must make cunnilingus really long."

Sam- "As it should be!"

morals according to a frat boy

Cortez- "I can't hit on her, she is married."

Dick- "What are you talking about? You fucked a married chick!"

Cortez- "Yeah but it was with another guy so it cancels it out!"

Her milkshake brings all the girls to the yard

Inebriated Sam- "If I was a lesbian, I would be a boob man!"

I don't know what neighborhood her mental gutter is in...

Sam- "This crush is getting rediculous! I've had 3 saucy dreams about him, and my saucy dreams are never about real people!"

Frances- "Who, the red Power Ranger?"

Jesus lite!

(Setting: My sister dragged my heathen atheist ass into the christian bookstore to look for a certain bible. While lightning did not strike me dead, hilarity did ensue.)

Audra (to christian store clerk)- "I am looking for an ultra-slim bible, it is like real skinny and travel sized."

Sam (in a mock valley girl voice)- "Yeah, its like Jesus lite!"

And still lightning did not strike me! I rest my case!

Are you calling me anal?

(Setting: at my recruiter's office and he just asked me some historical trivia and was impressed with my quick answer.)

Sarge- "Wow, you are like a supository of knowledge!"

Way cooler than an I-phone

(Setting: Out at chilis with the lads)

Sam- "Where the hell is my cell phone? ...Oh there it is, between my legs."

Kale- "Is that the new motorola slit?"

You can't go the way I am going...

(After a cute boy on a motercycle went the wrong way down a one way street to follow her.)

Sam-"Thats awesome Tammy! Your hotness defies traffic laws!"

False advertisement

Dicky- "Sam, you have lip stick on your teeth."

Sam- "Damn it! Those fricken commercials lied! This is that smudgeproof shit, you know with the commercials that are all, 'Cover Girl Outlast Lip Shine! You can give 27 blowjobs and it wont come off!"

what's in a name?

mark- "dont worry about it, someone has to give you a cleavland steamer to be a whore"

The genitals are always greener... or something

Sam- "It all depends on what side of the fence you are on, and I am on the side with the vaginas."

Trav- "Are you really?"

Sam- "Yeah, cuz I like the view of the side with the penises."

speech in-pen-ament

Sam- "See Phil, you could understand but your penis is in the way!"

go forth and pwn

(I wrote a description of The Count of Monte Cristo to describe it to a friend and in it I said something like "he breaks out of jail and pwns everyone")

Sam- "They should let me write the shit that goes on the back of books."

Tammy- "Sam, you can't say pwned on the back of the book."

Sam- "When I write a book I am going to make sure it says pwned on the back! Just because you said I can't"

Tammy- "Go forth and conquer."

Sam- "No! I will go forth and pwn!"

'shut up brain'

Tammy- "Sam, I just had a 'shut up brain moment' for you..."

In case of zombies... break glass with high heel

(Tammy is wearing a mini skirt, green high heels, and a halter top and looking hella foxy)

Phil- "You look like you should be fighting zombies."

Tammy- "What like Alice in Resident Evil?"

Phil- "Yeah!"

Tammy- "Hmmm, I don't think a gun would go with my ensemble though..."

Phil- "It would if there were zombies!"

Tammy- "Ahhh"

The Marlbroro Woman

Sam- "I like that CJ smokes pussy cigarettes and Tammy smokes cigarettes with BALLS!"

i don't even know

Mark- "OWWWWWW! I STUBBED MY TOE ON YOUR SHOES! ....in the goat ass!"

Sam, Tammy, and Whitnasty ".................."

Takin a leek...

Tammy- "I use leeks to cook with."

Mark- "I use them to spank bitches... (looks at girlfriend) not you..."

Sam- "I'm sure that makes her feel better."

french tickler

Whitnasty- "If it is not sexual... it tickles."

Say hello to my little... huh?

(We are in the movies when the trailer for Righteous Kill, a new movie starring Al Pachino, comes on)

Mark- "Is that Al Sharpton?"

If I could name the next dinasaur fossil...

Sam- "Cuntzor... It is like short for Cuntasaurus or something."

Mark- "Cuntasaurus..."

Sam- "Yeah, they are pink..."

Mark- "...And have no teeth, just really big lips!"

Army man logic

Mark- "The only thing worse than beating children is beating puppies... with kittens."

Beer:30

Dad- "I should probably stop drinking soon... the wife has been on my ass for hours..."

Neighbor- "Don't you mean for years?"

Dad- "Yeah... It sucks to be a scum bag...."

best argument for creation ever!

Severely inebriated Keith- "I don't understand how you can be an atheist..."

Sam- "What? Why?"

Severely inebriated Keith- "Because of turtles..."

Sam- "OK, you lost me..."

Severely inebriated Keith- "Because turtles have shells and that doesn't make sense... What other animal has a shell? It is just weird... It proves Darwin was wrong."

Sam- "...Its a good thing you are cute Ginger"

friends who strip together stay together...

Ashley- "You know what you, me, and Tammy should do? We should take those strip tease work out classes where they teach you to pole dance!"

Sam- "Yeah! That would be awesome! It would be just like Yoga but with G-strings!"

the eternal question: the artfull dodger acording to tammy

Sleasy McDrunkface- "So baby, do the curtains match the carpets?"

Tammy- "I don't know, I have hard wood floors."

somewhere sam is thinking "that cheeky cheeky little minx..."

the many flavors of yummy

(Sam and Tammy discussing 3 of there guy friends)

Sam- "All your boys are so hot..."

Tammy- "Yup..."

Sam- "...break your heart to pick just one..."

(much giggling ensues....)

adventures in cradle robbing

Ashley- "I just want to take advantage of young boys..."

He can make my engine purrrrrr ;)

Moms- "What is Josh up to?"

Tammy- "Ahh, I don't know. Workin on the car I think. Fine tuning his carburetor or something...."

Moms- "Ahhhhhh."

Tammy- "... he can fine tune my carburetor any time...."

Spa day

Tammy- "Hey, Anna and I were planning on having a girly day and going to get facials..."

Sam- giggles inappropriately

Tammy- "Do you want to go with us?"

Sam- "Would it be inappropriate if I wore a pearl necklace?"

Tammy: a definition

J- "Tammy: (proper noun) A nonpracticing heterosexual."

Low carb diet

J--"Beer?"

Phil--(shakes head)

Tammy--"Phil is on a self imposed low carb diet."

J--"Then drink it on the floor."

Out of control

Phil--"I have a hole in my boxers."

Tammy--"How do you keep getting holes in your boxers?"

Phil--"My junk is out of control."

unhibitions...

(Setting: Sam and Phil are at a bar and Thriller just came on. Sam is drunk and just happens to be the worst dancer in the history of the universe and all the white people in it!)

Sam- "Lets dance baby!"

Phil- "You are drunk!"

Sam- "Exactly, thats why it is fun! I have no hibitions!"

Beer goggles

Keith- "Every girl is a six pack away from being hot."

Dick- "Fuck, I don't drink till they are hot! I drink till I am gorgeous!"

The artfull dodger III

(Again this happened at the grocery store when a very creepy older guy thought he was a pimp.)

Sam- "I can take you on register 8 sir."

Saggy McBallsack- "Can I take you on register 8 baby?"

Sam- "I'm sorry sir, publix doesn't offer that service. You will have to deal with self service."

The artfull dodger II

A creepy guy is persistently hitting on me, and I can't seem to shake him.
Creepy McWeirdo is prattling on and on talking about himself, trying to get me to give him my number. I have been dropping hints that I am not interested for the whole conversation (we are stuck in a long line together so I can't escape) but he just wont take the hint and I am done with being polite.

Creepy McWeirdo noticing that I am ignoring him- "Hey, are you listening to me? You are ignoring me aren't you? ...hello?"

Truly Exasperated Sam- "I'm sorry, I am deaf in one ear. Have you been talking to me? All I could hear was this annoying noise."

The artfull dodger I

(Sam is at work in the grocery store when a very creepy, lecherous, one-eyed man attempts to harass her.)

Sam- "I can check you out on the express lane, sir."

Cyclops- "Hey baby, can I check you out?"

Sam- "I don't know, can you even see me?"

The pimp hand is strong with this one

(This happened while at work at the grocery store after dealing with a particularly bitchy customer.)

Sam- "It is times like these that make me feel my Native-American heritage."

Coworker- "What are you talking about?"

Sam- "My ancestors are from the slap-a-ho tribe!"

Sex Ed

Steven--"So you see...that's the difference between little boys and little girls...ball bearings and a stick shift."

"This wine has an interesting bouquet..."

Sam--"What do you think of the wine, Phil?"

Phil--"Tastes like my penis in a knot."

Always be prepared...the things they didn't tell you in boy scouts

Phil--"We need to go get ammo."

Tammy--"Why?"

Phil--"For when the zombies come."

Aspirations...

Tammy- "When I grow up... I wanna kill someone."

(Thank you Tony Soprano Elementary school)

Tuna girl

Sam- "That's not called having sex, thats called sitting on a dick."

The power of giving

Jay- "Is it considered prostitution if you have sex in exchange for gifts?"

Phil- "No, then it is just a girlfriend."

Sam- "You don't give me gifts for sex."

Phil- "...My penis."

Sam- "Your penis is a wonderfull gift, but I don't think that counts... No pun intended, but the penis is kinda the point of sex..."

Hello kitty technique

Anna- "There are some new guys at work. I think I can get them to buy some raffle tickets for the fundraiser."

Tammy- "How are you gonna do that? Wont it be hard since you don't know them?"

Anna- "I was thinking of using the 'I'm a pretty girl approach'."

Look what i can do!

Phil- "I can fit an eggplant down my throat!"

Sam- "Why would you do that?"

Phil- "Practice."

Behold the anti-girl!

Tammy while playing video games and drinking beer.

Tammy- "Shut up Phone! Can't you see I am battling the forces of evil!"

this is why we cant have nice things...

Sam to her boyfriend right after he held her down and tickled her, one of his greater joys in life.

Sam- "See Phil! This is why we cant have bondage!"

Jay (watching this hilarity) "What???"

Sam- "Cuz he would just tickle me for 27 hours!"

Phil- "Sigh"

the lads are weird

Sam- "You guys are retards!"

Phil- "Sam, I respect you-"

Dick- "Just not that much."

Setting: Sam sitting in the living room watching a history channel documentary on cannibalism with her ex-special forces father.

Dad- "If we are ever stranded on a desert island or something and I die first, you can eat me."

Sam- "... thanks dad... thats... sweet... I think..."

(Awkward pause...)

Dad- "So, what part would you start with?"

Sam- "What? I don't know! You are demented!"

(Mom pipes up from the kitchen while baking cookies or something)

Mom- "Lower back or the butt"

Dad- "I hear the back of the arm is a good place to start..."

Sam- "My life is so strange..."

Test Drive???

Setting: Sam is 14 and in the living room with her mom having a sex talk...

Sam's mom- "I don't have a problem with premarital sex... If you buy a new car you gotta look under the hood first and take it for a test drive... you don't just buy it thats stupid."

Sam- "good to know mom, thanks..."

R E S P E C T what does it mean?

Phil- "Dick, you have no self respect."

Dick- "No, I just like cuming."

some light dinner conversation

My family has some very interesting dinner conversation. This Easter we were all sitting around the dinner table and my sister, Audra, mentioned that she couldn't tie a cherry stem in a knot with her mouth so everyone tried it. This is part of the conversation that ensued laden with double entendre.

Sam- "I can do it! Here, give me a cherry."

(they hand me one with a very short stem.)

Sam- "Sometimes you just have nothing to work with."

(Audra tries for 10 minutes and gives up.)

Audra- "I don't think I can do it! I can't pull it!"

Sam- "Don't worry, it will come in time!"

have a heart

Tammy—“Hold on. I’m getting Phil a soda.”

Christopher—“And you say you’re heartless.”

Tammy—“No, not heartless…soulless. If I were heartless I’d just kill him in his sleep and call it a day.”

Christopher—“Oh, I get it. If you were heartless you’d kill him in his sleep. Soulless and you’ll still bring him a soda. That makes perfect sense.”

Mom’s fashion advice

Tammy—“Should I change?” (Wearing a dress)

Mom—“No, but it’s windy, so don’t bend over.”

What are friends for?

Tristan—“If I don’t finish this before the end of the day, I’m going to cry.”

Tammy—“And I’ll be there to sell tickets.”

embarrassment

Tammy—“No, that’s ok. I don’t want to embarrass you.”

Phil—“Embarrass me?”

Tammy—“By you I mean…me.”

They watch Delliverence in Japan?

One night my roommate James and I were driving around in the woods with another Japanese exchange student and we got lost looking for a haunted tree (even longer story). It was very dark and scary and we somehow ended up on private property and feared rednecks with shot guns.

James- "Sam, get us out of here! Look a redneck lives there, you know he has guns!"

Sam- "Chill out, nothings gonna happen. It's not like we are gonna get arrested."

Fumi (pipes up from the back seat)- "Don't drop the soap!!!"

Again with the wtf?

Free association cursing in a second language

A Japanese foreign exchange student friend of mine who had only been in the country for a few months became exasperated with my roommate and this is the strange amalgam of curse words he came up with.

Tohi- "James, you.... cock monger! Shut your titty-fucking mouth!"

Where he came up with that vocab after 2 months in the US I have no idea...

And the oscar goes to... "Mantastic"?

Sam- "I am gonna make a movie and it is gonna have cowboys, and guys in armor, and roman legionaries, and firemen, and guys in kilts, and....... and a pikey!"

Tammy- "That doesn't even make sense"

Sam- "It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be awesome!"

Nobel Prize in blondness

Audra- "You guys are gonna be sorry one day when Jenny and I grow up and win the Noble Prize!"

Sam- ".... You mean the Nobel Prize??"

Audra- "Whatever"

Service with a grimace

Sam to coworker at the grocery store- "You know, customer service jobs would be so much better if it wasn't for the customers..."

Wisdomosity

sam- "Word to the wise... never try to wax yourself... baaaaaaad idea!"

The Blair Tammy Project

Tammy- "If there was a movie made about my life it would be so boring people would leave the theatre demanding their money back!"

Sam -"hey, at least it would be better than the Blair Witch Project"

like the back of my.... huh?

Audra- "I know that like the back of my head!"

Sam- "That doesn't even make sense, don't you mean the back of your hand?"

Audra- "...."

Sam- "...so you can see the back of your head?"

Audra- "Ohh, I get it."

Ownership is nine tenths of the law

G- "dick and the boys are the last people I really need to take women advice from."

Sam- "well i happen to own a vagina and i am marginally sane and not a whore... and though they might not be the best people to take women advice from, they do know you and i don't think they are just busting your balls for the hell of it..."

a little later in the conversation...

"...and she just came off whoring bender so maybe she is trying to compensate by playing it demure..."

I am so sweet...

When in rome...

The romans said in vino veritas, in wine there is truth and one night I proved this cliche to be rather apt...

Tammy- "Well, I don't know about that Sam..."

Sam- "Nah, you know what they say... When in Rome... bone a Roman!"

Tammy- "Sam, I don't think thats what they say..."