you get what you pay for

(setting: Phil is in Japan and we are talking about some of his new friends)

Phil: "She used to work at a cabaret and get payed 50 bucks an hour to talk to guys."

Sam: "Thats one thing that's werid about the Japanese, I think men in America would pay women not to talk..."

No more joysticks

Sam- "I am never dating a gamer again! Because if I wanted to compete with something that has buttons, I would be a mother fucking lesbian!"

How many licks does it take?

Setting: I am Whitesnaking tammy's car, with her in it (for those who don't know what that is click this link and be enlightened http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oKTiwCez6Zs). I am not as flexible as Tawny Kitaen, unfortunatley, so there were no splits involved but I did have my cleavage pressed to the windsheild and I licked it from the wipers to the roof.

(a girlfriend of mine) 'Ronnie'- "Sam, when I see you lick that, it makes me wish I had a dick!"

Thats what she said

Sam- "I am a terrible speller, for some reason I like to add extra l's to words."

Dick- "That must make cunnilingus really long."

Sam- "As it should be!"

morals according to a frat boy

Cortez- "I can't hit on her, she is married."

Dick- "What are you talking about? You fucked a married chick!"

Cortez- "Yeah but it was with another guy so it cancels it out!"

Her milkshake brings all the girls to the yard

Inebriated Sam- "If I was a lesbian, I would be a boob man!"

I don't know what neighborhood her mental gutter is in...

Sam- "This crush is getting rediculous! I've had 3 saucy dreams about him, and my saucy dreams are never about real people!"

Frances- "Who, the red Power Ranger?"

Jesus lite!

(Setting: My sister dragged my heathen atheist ass into the christian bookstore to look for a certain bible. While lightning did not strike me dead, hilarity did ensue.)

Audra (to christian store clerk)- "I am looking for an ultra-slim bible, it is like real skinny and travel sized."

Sam (in a mock valley girl voice)- "Yeah, its like Jesus lite!"

And still lightning did not strike me! I rest my case!

Are you calling me anal?

(Setting: at my recruiter's office and he just asked me some historical trivia and was impressed with my quick answer.)

Sarge- "Wow, you are like a supository of knowledge!"

Way cooler than an I-phone

(Setting: Out at chilis with the lads)

Sam- "Where the hell is my cell phone? ...Oh there it is, between my legs."

Kale- "Is that the new motorola slit?"

You can't go the way I am going...

(After a cute boy on a motercycle went the wrong way down a one way street to follow her.)

Sam-"Thats awesome Tammy! Your hotness defies traffic laws!"