Adventures in Bikini Bottom

Sam- "Gleason, your vagina is not absorbent. You are not Spongebob Vag-pants!"

(Don't even ask. No amount of explanation will help this one)

In wine there's... huh?

Me- "In vino veritas... most of the time... sometimes there is just confusion."

(wise words from drunken Sam one night after a few glasses)

re-strip-rocate

Gleason- "I need a stripper for my B-day. Maybe Mac will do it... But, his B-day is the day after mine... that might be weird."

Me- "Tell him you'll re-strip-rocate!"

the curtains vs. carpet conundrum

Mays- "I have virgin hair."

Me- "Yeah, above the waist."

(Mays was explaining that she had never dyed her hair before.)

schlongius maximus

Sam- "Did you know that gladius the Roman word for sword was also their slang for penis?"

Hurt- "No, I did not."

Lane- "Yeah, it's Latin for pork sword."

Slip n' decide

Dick: “God it’s just like a slip n’ decide.”

Casey: “Don’t you mean slip ‘n slide?”

Dick: “No, slip ‘n decide, it’s when you fall down drunk on an icy side walk and you have to decide whether to get up or not.”

and he put a flag in it...

Dick: “Steve Simmon’s heart is made out of pure ricotta cheese and hope.”

Dick: “Please I was the first to mount Steve’s ass, and like the man who first climbed Everest I took a Sherpa and even invented my own ice cream, but I wouldn’t try it if I were you.”

Revalations

Random Christian in cowboy hat: “You need to find Jesus boy.”

Dick: “Sir, I am a Jew. We found him two thousand years ago, and if he had stayed were we put him no one would have to go out and find him.”

don't we all

Dick: “Sigh, I love the soft pink spot.”

Steve: “We all do Dick.”

Words of wisdom from boot camp

Sgt Rabb- "You have to take pride in everything that's yours! So what if the baby's ugly? Its yours!"

(Words of wisdom from my instructor after a particularly bad drill practice in boot camp)

Don't ask don't tell

Sgt M- "It smells like Bengay down here."

Sgt D- "You have to call it Icy Hot. That is an offensive term to those people we can not ask and who can not tell us..."

(The funniest part of this was that it was said with an absolutely straight face in front of a bunch of trainees trying not to laugh.)

SSgt Squarepants is the duress word

Master Sergeant Brimstone- "Trainee! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

(Ok this master sergeant was this huge black man with the voice of a southern baptist preacher, he liked to go up to trainee's in the dining hall who were scared out of their minds of him and ask them weird shit like this.)

Sir, Trainee Simian reports as ordered

SGT Marlboro- "I've seen monkey shit fights at the zoo more organised than this!"

(An instructor said this to my brother flight when they were engaging in some serious ass-clownery one afternoon in drill practice)

(Some names in this story have been changed)

"Good morning baby... what are you wearing?"

Sam- "Mays, I hate you. I can't even have phone sex. Have you ever tried to have phone sex on a 14 hour time difference?!!"

(Part of Sam's jealous tirade at a friend of hers who was going to visit her bf after they got out of boot camp.)

Freedom isn't free

Sam- "Tammy, I am in the Air Force now, Everything I do is for your freedom!"

(Sam said this to Tammy after telling her that her reading a romance novel about a guy with two penises was for the sake of science and her freedom.)